Why SMS fight is bad for relationship!
How to create a good relationship.
WHY NO ONE WINS AN SMS SMACKDOWN
The next time you’re pissed at your guy and want to reach for your cell…don’t. According to the latest relationship intel, it can do more harm than you think.
When your boyfriend does something annoying, like cancels dinner plans 20 minutes before you’re supposed to meet up, naturally you’re going to want to call him out on it. So you should send him a quick, drama-free text explaining why you’re hurt, right? Actually, no. If your ultimate goal is to keep your relationship in a good, strong place, you’re better off stifling that urge. “Texted words come through in a vacuum,”says psychiatrist Ish Major, author of Little White Whys. “You have no idea how the other person is reacting, and before you know it, that initial message snowballs into a full-blown text war.”That means you standing still in the middle of a street/store/party, sending and receiving the kind of texts that can and will be used against you in countless future, lovekilling fights.
The communication handicap that comes with texting is even bigger than you might imagine. “You’re getting three times less information texting than in a face-to-face conversation,”says clinical psychologist Xavier Amador, Ph.D., author of I’m Right, You’re Wrong, Now What? “You can’t see facial expressions, hear tone of voice, or watch body language.”As a result, communicating can get really messy and mean. After all, it’s a lot easier to go below the belt when you don’t have to witness your BF’s gutted response. “When you’re in the same room, you can see him physically bracing for whatever you’re going to say, and that clues you in that you’re about to go too far,”says Major. “But you don’t have that kind of built-in safeguard with your smartphone.”And after you go there, even a welltimed “Damn you, autocorrect!”won’t make him forget.
Lost in Translation
The way your brain processes text messages (both writing and reading them) escalates an argument exponentially. “When you text, you’re activating the more logical part of your brain. When you speak, you’re using the more emotional circuits,”says Amador. So even when you’re writing a text that’s intended to be loving or remorseful, it’s naturally going to come across as a bit cold and detached when he sees it in type.
Our brains are wired to read only a part of a message, not the whole thing, which causes us to jump to conclusions. “It goes back to how we learned to read as a kid. Your brain automatically groups together words and phrases so you can expect what the next word will be,”says Amador. So instead of carefully scanning the message, your eyes dart to a few key words, and your mind fills in the rest can I see you?”Don’t hint at what’s making you angry-doing so will only start the snowball rolling. “All you’re doing is reaching out and letting him know you want to connect in person,”says Amador. If you’ve already exchanged a few heated lines, delete the conversation. Otherwise, it’s too tempting to eyeball the testy texts again and again in the future or dredge them up as ‘evidence’ when you’re talking things through. Deleting the convo from your phone won’t delete it from your memory, but it will make it easier to move on.
What are you getting from this relationship?
Texts You Should Never Send